This has been the question in the heart of many. Is there really a way around grief? Can grief even be dealt with? How do I get this cloak of grief over and done with? The list is endless. It keeps growing as disaster increases.
Life wouldn’t wait for you.
Growing up, 23rd December has always been such a weighty day for me. I get touchy at every opportunity and can’t wait for the whole festive season to be over. At least, I’ll have my life back. My busy life, that made no room for intrusion. I couldn’t have been more wrong. As busy as a teenager’s life could be, with all the distractions and all, the grief I felt still found a way to seep into my core.
Those years, I get so full of contempt when things just go on normally on the 23rd. I mean,
- Is this how it ought to be?
- You all can just talk like nothing happened?
- Hello, it’s another day signifying we have no “head” in this house.
I go on and on in my head. Indicting everyone for forgetting about Dad and living life like his death never occurred. What I never knew then was that there was nothing they, I, or anyone could do. He’s dead, gone, like GONE.
It took a while to get used to that fact. Yeah. Like a really long while. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. I guess that’s how it is for everyone coping with grief.
No one ever wished, prayed, or even imagined they will lose a loved one. Never. We feel the happy moments, the laughter, the memories will last forever but then life struck and in its wake knocked the breath out of us.
Over a decade after his death, I still picture how his last moments must have been. I wasn’t old enough to comprehend the situation as at then but I created a vivid image in my mind. Something to comfort me and make up for the loss of last-minute moments.
Hospital beds. Pans. IV. Food warmers. Flask. Beverages. Mum’s out to attend to one of the hospital’s directives. A cynical smile on his face. A brief tussle. Then the calm before the storm.
How pathetic I must have been.
So to why I’m letting all this out…..
Grief is not something you dwell on. It is not something you can easily overcome as well. It takes a superpower to do that. I’ve been privileged to walk this road for quite some time and I’ll be sharing some agreements that helped me move on. I hope you find them helpful.
1. Agree there’s nothing you can do about the loss.
This is what many of us refuse to believe. I was on this table for a decade. I felt if I cry so much, something can still happen. I remember a time I was wondering if I’ll remember him if he do truly come back to life. I had to agree with myself then that I’ll most likely run if that happens😹.
2. Agree others are free to grieve their way.
This thing called grief happens to us in diverse ways and we respond differently as well. I once had a conversation with a friend who dialogues with his lost family almost every night. Like they come in a “dream”, it all feels so real, he wakes and reality stares him hard in the face.
We all grieve differently. Know this and Know Peace. I get really angry when people feel there is only one way to grieve. No Sir, No ma. There are one million ways to grieve. Choose yours and let others choose theirs.
3. Agree Life is bound to move on anyway.
Yes. This!! Life can never be at a standstill. No matter the gravity of the tragedy, life will always move on. It is designed that way hence you do not have to stay cooped up and mope all day.
Take all the time you need but get back on track. Life wouldn’t wait for you.
4. Agree you need help.
Yes!! I wish I could stress this loud and well enough especially in a locale like ours. There is this unwritten law that talking about a dead fellow or saying things that still show you attached to the fellow is taboo. Please, do away with that school of thought.
Talking about a dead fellow shouldn’t be a ground to be abhorred. If you need help healing from the loss, please go for it. Reach out, Talk. Talk, Talk, and Talk some more. Talk so you would be free.
Silence is a bondage. A thick one!
People keep quiet and we feel ” Oh good! He’s coping so well with the loss”. Hmmm. Hmmm. Some more hmmm.
Finding Solace when hurting is one of the best feelings ever. I found mine in Christ. He is not jealous neither am I so we still have some more for you😁.
5. Agree you deserve the best and go for it.
He is dead. She is dead. They are dead.
YOU ARE ALIVE : SO STAY ALIVE!
Let go of that baggage and live your life to the fullest. Live it meaningfully such that if you also leave this space today, we will have assurance and hope of where you will be.
I’ll drop my pen here maybe someday soon, I’ll write on helping a young child cope with grief but till then may the good Lord keep you and yours. Do have a Merry Christmas!